Scared of the Silence

Little Sister Zoë.

I am a 15 year-old inward processor. I really hate being vulnerable and telling people what is going on in my life. Instead, I hide and become numb to my feelings.

While I realize that being vulnerable is something I need to work on, I think we all need to work on trusting and putting  faith into someone, being able to tell the deep, dark secrets that have been going on.

As I have thought about and  processed the question, “Why do we not love ourselves?” I realize that I struggle so much with putting myself down 24/7. I judge myself  on the little and the big things I have done. I was reading a scripture in 1 John and it said  fear comes from fear of punishment and judgment. (1 John 4:18, NIV) Really, God has already died on the cross and taken away our sin,  our judgment, and  our fear. He died a brutal death and he took that away. But every day, I do the same thing. I continually judge myself.

What’s hard about doing that is I’m scared to sit alone with myself without any music, without anything in the room but the silence and my thoughts. I’m like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I want to hide the evil—the monster—that I don’t want anybody to see, sitting in silence.  We are all so afraid of ourselves – afraid of what people will see if we become transparent .

Twenty One Pilots
Car Radio.
“Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It’s on my sleeve
My skin will scream
Reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I’m driving
There’s no hiding for me
I’m forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel
I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
‘Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence.”

It’s hard for me to read those words. I go through that song, thinking about how I am fearful to put that on my sleeve and say, “Hey world, this is me. This is what I am inside.”

1 John 4:18-19 (NIV) says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us..”

Giving my fear to God lifted anxiety and fear out of my life. Honestly, I still struggle. I can sit alone with myself, but never alone because God is with me.

 

2 thoughts on “Scared of the Silence

  1. lynl2777 says:

    Little Sister Zoe, When I was a young lady like you, I too had difficulty being alone with myself. I didn’t like myself very much because I wasn’t perfect. I tried to be perfect, so my parents and friends would love me. I had to accept first that God loved me just the way I am. I also am learned that the more I stood in His love, the less I needed to be perfect. I was able to let my family and friends love me too. I am here for you. I am sending you love and a hug. God Bless you!

    Like

  2. Ella Beall says:

    Wonderfully put. I have learned to “crash the chatterbox” in my head always accusing. I tell that voice to hush. Let go, let God.

    Like

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